My government gives its word it will find your daughter,
and return her to you unharmed.
The eyes of two white men
cannot see where many braves find nothing but the wind.
Unless the two white men know where to point their eyes.
"We have kidnapped the Princess Wanakee.
"If you wanna save the princess and the peace treaty,
"send James West and Artemus Gordon to Gravetown.
Anyone else, and we will kill her."
I will go.
And they will kill her.
I will kill all white men.
Is Chawtaw's heart so full of hate
he has forgotten his love for the woman promised to him?
It is my love for Wanakee
that tells my heart to kill all those who harm her.
Then we'll get Wanakee back.
West gives his word to War Eagle.
The word of many is as dust in the wind,
but the word of West
is not the word of many.
I hold your word,
and when the sun sleeps for a third time,
your word will be as dust,
and the blood of the white men,
from the mountains to the horizon,
will spill upon the Earth until it is as red
as the setting sun.
You fail, I will kill you...
very slowly.
I can see why the Indians wouldn't wanna come here.
They believe it's haunted by evil spirits.
They may be right.
Well, the ghosts of Christmas past.
We're expected.
Forget it, Jim. Ghosts can't talk.
Oh, it's a small world, Mr. West.
What were you saying about ghosts?
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
It has been a long time, Mr. West.
I'm sorry about not signing that telegram,
but you know how I love a mystery.
I didn't wanna spoil the surprise, knowing that you
thought me dead after our last meeting.
I merely reversed an old law of physics to suit myself:
What goes down must come up.
Nothing you do surprises me, Dr. Loveless.
Well, then I shall have to extend myself
to prove you wrong.
Life would be pretty dull
without a few surprises now and then, wouldn't it?
How do you like it?
Inspiring, isn't it?
Uh, just tilt the hat back a little bit.
Uh, off the forehead.
Not, uh- Not too far back.
You don't want the sun to get into your eyes.
Like that?
Perfect. Beautiful.
Beau-ti-ful.
Yes, I think you're right. Hee-hee!
Bang, bang.
You're both dead. Hee-hee!
Now I see what you big boys like about these things.
I love playing cowboy.
At least you've been keeping yourself busy.
Oh, whatever inequities possess my soul,
idleness is not one of them.
Oh, gentlemen, come in.
You must be exhausted.
Uh, come in, gentlemen, come in.
Sit down, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon.
Not in the chairs.
On the floor.
You mean at your feet.
Exactly.
But that's no discredit to your pride, Mr. West.
Soon the whole world will be forced
to look up to Dr. Miguelito Loveless.
You've said that before many times.
And I say it again. Now, Mr. Gordon, on the floor.
Very good, gentlemen. Beautiful.
Always in tiptop condition, huh?
But I'm afraid your marvelous display of skill
was unnecessary and a bit impulsive.
And impulse can bring about
the most terrifying consequences.
The death of Princess Wanakee, for one.
And then what happens to your precious peace treaty?
Huh?
I don't believe War Eagle
would appreciate your killing me,
under the circumstances.
He's right, Jim.
How nice to talk to you eye to eye.
I wanna see the princess.
Oh, you shall. You shall.
She's a pretty little thing.
Strong-willed. Stubborn, like you.
But I didn't want you here
to powwow about some Indian princess
or to talk about the peace treaty,
or to smoke a peace pipe.
No, I wanted you here
to destroy you.
Then there's no point in keeping the princess here any longer.
But you've just arrived.
Now, I can't allow some little Indian maiden
to go running to her big daddy
and tell him where you are.
I've big plans for you, Mr. West. Big plans.
You're going to love my latest game.
You'd better start that game soon.
War Eagle gave me three days to bring the princess back,
and if I don't,
the entire Blackfoot nation is going to come here,
level this place to the ground,
and bury you six feet under.
Good try, Mr. West,
but what makes you think
one Indian would set foot in Gravetown?
There are evil spirits here.
No Indian would risk losing his one-way ticket
to the happy hunting ground.
No. Though I may shed
one little-bitty tear for you,
this is the end of the rainbow
for the illustrious James West
and Artemus Gordon.
No, there'll be no pot of gold waiting for you,
only a bucket of blood.
Perhaps yours, and yours.
I think he's finally made it, James.
He's out of his mind.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! So was Aristotle.
Huh? Columbus? Da Vinci? Galileo?
No, gentlemen,
I have at last found the means to the end,
a means so powerful that I will cover the world
like a giant wave
and wash away the sins of man forever.
I shall make a world of my own,
where I can walk among the eagles,
fly among the stars.
A world of light, sound, and motion:
my world.
The accommodations are a bit bourgeois, I know,
but it'll just have to do until I'm ready for you.
I haven't finished the preparations
for my experiment.
Mr. West.
Oh, I can hardly wait. Hee-hee-hee!
Force yourself.
You'll never get away with it, you know.
Washington knows we're here. They'll only send other men.
Oh, don't count on it.
They'll be too busy fighting Indians.
Oh, um, by the way, the Princess Wanakee
is a guest at my home at the edge of town.
Thought you'd like to know.
Now, why do you suppose he told us?
It's part of his game of cat-and-mouse.
As long as he has the princess, he has us.
In that case, let's change our quarters.
This room's beginning to depress me.
Artie, you'd better forget the lock pick.
We'll have to burn through that.
Oh.
I wonder what Loveless has waiting for us at the house.
I don't know, but it will be interesting.
Next time, knock.
Yoo-hoo. Princess.
Oh, there you are.
I was afraid you'd gone for a walk or something.
How far could I walk with this?
Oh, how forgetful of me.
How long must I be your prisoner?
Prisoner? No, that's too harsh a word.
No, you are my guest.
As a matter of fact, I have come here
to tell you that you have visitors.
Then my father has come for me?
No, not exactly. Well, then Chawtaw?
No, that nasty young man? No, of course not.
No, your knight in shining armor
has come to carry you away from your not-so-ivory tower.
James West is here.
James West? I do not think I know him.
Oh, you will.
Now go make yourself beautiful, princess.
Must be impressive for Mr. West.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen, huh?
Don't judge a house by its shutters.
How about windows?
Said the spider to the fly.
So it's a trap.
Do you have any other suggestions?
Yeah, you might ring the front bell.
How nice of you to stop by, Mr. West.
Well, here we are, all snug,
like three men in a tub.
Rub-a-dub-dub.
Uh, princess, let me introduce you.
This is James West,
Artemus Gordon, of the Secret Service.
They've come all the way from Washington
and the great white father to save you and your people.
I think they should save themselves first.
Your confidence in us is overwhelming.
I only see what I see, Mr. West.
Oh, you two will get along fine,
but I must leave you now.
three days.
Two and a half.
Oh, yes. War Eagle and that band of rowdies.
They don't concern me, Mr. West.
Well, cheery bye, all, for now.
Heh-heh.
Ah, just like home.
You saw my father and Chawtaw?
Today.
Why have they not come for me?
They didn't know where you were until I told them.
They searched for you everywhere.
Dr. Loveless knew they wouldn't come to Gravetown.
Why? Because of the evil spirits?
Are you not afraid of evil spirits?
There is no evil spirit here except the doctor.
Perhaps you and your friend Mr. Gordon.
You keep that up, you're never gonna
make president of our fan club.
You say that my father knew that I was here?
Wh-why did he send you and not Chawtaw?
Chawtaw would not be afraid of evil spirits.
Your father had no choice.
He knew if anyone else showed up,
they would have killed you.
Oh. Then- Then it's you that he's after.
That's right. But he has no intention of letting you go.
You see, he didn't want that peace treaty signed either.
Doesn't he know that my people will choose war?
He's counting on it.
He wants to destroy the world, and he has to start somewhere.
I cannot understand how a man could sacrifice
so many people for revenge against one.
You would if you knew Loveless as well as we do.
I am not interested in getting to know the doctor
or in getting to know either of you.
I want to get back to my people, and that's all.
I'll do everything I can
to see that you get back to your people.
I'm afraid that will not be good enough.
Maybe I should have brought Chawtaw with me.
He wanted to come.
He should have come.
He would have not found himself as helpless as a...
As a chicken.
He would have saved me, Mr. West.
Not you.
That damsel in distress is no damsel.
She's quite a girl.
Oh, Antoinette, I really surpassed myself this time.
Gone beyond the realms of imagination.
Not even the great da Vinci with his machines that fly
could have dreamed of such a destructive weapon,
and so tiny it fits in this little box.
As pure as the driven snow.
Oh, Miguelito, it's wonderful. It looks perfectly harmless.
But once James West so much as inhales its aroma,
he'll feel as if he's been trampled by a 20-mule team.
And this time,
we'll cut the infallible James West down to size.
Oh, yes, Miguelito, and this time,
he'll never get away from you.
Ah, true, true.
And once the white powder has done its dirty work,
this restoring liquid is the only antidote
that can save him.
Mr. West would trade his soul to the devil
for one drop of this.
One drop, Antoinette.
And that one drop he will never have.
Bubble, bubble Double trouble
Okay, Artie.
Hold it, Jim.
Good evening, gentlemen. Dinner is served.
Hmmm.
Thank you.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Dr. Loveless wouldn't like.
Nobody said we were neat.
Ah.
Miguelito, West has escaped.
What? He broke the chain somehow.
Broke the chain? That's impossible.
Oh, you fools. Must I do everything?
Well, so, Mr. West, the game is on again.
Now you've escaped...
but to where?
Search the house. He can't leave without the princess and Gordon.
But remember, don't kill West.
Antoinette, get the princess, take her to the garden room.
What kept you, Mr. West?
You were correct
in your assumption that my men would not kill you.
That pleasure is reserved for me alone.
However, you will notice the princess
with the gun pointed at her lovely head.
One squeeze of the trigger, and boom:
Goodbye, Princess Wanakee.
You see, it doesn't really matter to me when she dies...
or how.
I call this my Garden of Venus.
Rather appropriate, wouldn't you say?
You win.
What do you want from me, outside of killing me?
Our game, Mr. West.
You're not playing our game.
These constant attempts to escape only annoy me
and interrupt my work.
I'm trying to hurry, but some things take time.
I don't have much time.
Well, neither do I.
Now be a good little boy and promise the doctor
you'll not try to escape again,
you or Mr. Gordon.
Will you let the princess go?
Oh. No, I won't!
Now, sometimes you make me so mad.
You can't seem to get it through your head
you can't escape.
Now, as a gentlemen, will you give me your word?
No.
Give me that gun.
Now, Mr. West, your word.
You have my word.
Such a stubborn man.
Take them back.
Well, now it's time to eat, my lovelies.
And don't forget to save room for the main course.
Now, you wait your turn.
There's one for you...
...and there's one for you.
Now, Marsha, lovely, a nice big one for you.
Now, here.
Come.
Then you'll not have any.
Give me your leg.
We got a reprieve?
No, not exactly.
What's going on? I know Loveless isn't about to let us go.
Not on your life.
Well, then what was, uh-?
Because, uh, he knows we won't try and escape,
so there's no point in being chained.
We won't try to escape?
Where'd he get that ridiculous notion?
From me. From you?
I gave him my word.
Wait a minute. You're not serious, are you?
Mm-hmm.
You realize you've just put our necks in the noose?
What could you have been thinking of?
Of me.
He was thinking of me, Mr. Gordon.
The doctor would have killed me
if Mr. West hadn't given his word that you two
would not try to escape.
Well, that figures.
There's great sorrow in my heart
that I will be the cause of your death.
My life is my own to lose,
but I-I-I cannot accept in my heart
that I shall take two lives with me.
You were right, Jim.
She's quite a girl.
I put only a dash of my white powder
in this cigar.
I hope so.
We don't want Mr. West to vanish completely.
Oh, I can see it now:
a world where my eyes will never have to look upward again,
except to gaze at the sky
and the sun and stars.
Oh, Mr. West, a few puffs on this
and all your dreams go up in smoke.
You didn't sleep much, did you?
The thought of dying is not a restful one.
No, it isn't.
My friend worries when he's awake.
And the doctor?
He never worries,
and neither should you.
We'll get you out of here somehow.
Tell me, how did Loveless get you away from the village?
I did that for him.
Each day I would ride away from the village
to a spring, alone.
It was my place to think.
I had a lot to think about. Chawtaw?
Thoughts of Chawtaw fill me only with gladness.
An Indian girl is like any other girl who is in love.
The choice to marry is- Is just as important.
She has her fears and her doubts about it.
My mind was heavy with thinking.
The waters of the spring were so cool and inviting.
While I was in the spring,
the men came up and they got me.
Th-they took me with them. I- I had no choice.
Th-they brought me here.
Here I shall die.
No.
None of us is going to die.
Eat hearty, my black beauty.
We may have miles to go before we sleep.
This is the day.
Oh, Antoinette, that's beautiful. It's perfect.
It's bad enough being Loveless' prisoner,
but this hanging around waiting for something to happen
is killing me.
Maybe the waiting is over.
Ah, there you are.
No, you have us confused with somebody else.
We're over there.
Mr. Gordon, you're such a wit. Hee-hee!
I've come to tell you
preparations have been completed.
Oh, what a marvelous cigar. Just marvelous.
Mr. West, would you join me?
I'm sociable.
Thank you, Antoinette.
Oh, my pleasure, Mr. West.
Just light the cigar, Antoinette.
Sorry about the inconveniences,
but you know how some things take time.
How's the cigar, Mr. West?
Excellent.
It's a little...
...sweet.
Something wrong, Mr. West?
Jim...
You all right? What's the matter?
Cigar...
drugged.
Oh, he's not dead, Mr. Gordon.
But he'll wish he were.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Aw, now, Mr. West,
don't be a spoilsport.
Pussycat can find you wherever you go.
Oh, don't make a move, Mr. West.
Pussycat is well-trained. She'll tear you
to little-bitty pieces.
Heh.
Oh, your clothes suit you very well, Mr. West.
Antoinette is quite skillful with needle and thread.
Oh, I told you, it's a small world.
Fancy meeting you here.
Have fun, you two.
Pussycat will be here to make sure
that you behave yourselves.
Ta-ta, now. I must go make sure
everything's ready for the banquet.
What are you doing here? You don't smoke cigars, do you?
This white powder came into my room.
It put me to sleep.
When I woke up, I...
Why is he doing this?
To prove that he can.
Whatever's in that white powder
is the key to his plan to rule the world.
He can put it food, water.
He can do this?
That little man can do anything.
Oh, Antoinette, what a night.
Did you see his face? Yes.
Oh, a night I shall never forget.
Th-the first night I ever looked down on James West.
And the restoring formula...
West would trade his soul
for one drop of this. Heh!
And make no mistake, dear Antoinette,
it is his soul I want.
Antoinette, what fun we shall have.
Fun, fun, fun. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Yes. One drop of this would make James West normal.
¶ The first mate He got drunk ¶
¶ He broke up The captain's trunk ¶
¶ Constable had to come And take him away ¶
¶ Sheriff John Stone ¶
¶ Please let me alone ¶
¶ I feel so break up ¶
¶ I want to go home ¶
¶ So hoist up the John B. sail ¶
¶ See how the mainsail sets ¶
¶ Send for the captain ashore Lord, let me go home ¶
¶ Let me go home ¶
¶ Oh, let me go home ¶
¶ I feel so break up ¶
¶ I want to go home ¶
Thank you. Mmm.
Hi, Artie. What's new?
Jim. Wha-?
Artie, I can only tell you if Dr. Loveless offers you
an after-dinner cigar, don't take it.
Mr. Gordon.
Uh, please come in.
We've been waiting dinner for you.
Antoinette.
Thank you.
Oh, please, Mr. Gordon, come in. Sit.
Is everything satisfactory, Mr. Gordon? Hmm?
Oh...yeah.
Mr. West?
One thing about you, Dr. Loveless,
you do have style.
I try, Mr. West.
I try.
Artie, would you pass the butter, please?
Oh, uh...
Would you like some butter?
Miguelito.
Antoinette, you've outdone yourself.
Wild duck in orange sauce.
Scrumptious.
Mr. Gordon. Hmm?
Aren't you even going to try some of my duck?
Uh, no, thank you.
Afraid to take a chance, Mr. Gordon?
Oh, please, Mr. Gordon, enjoy your food. It's quite tasty...
and harmless.
Mr. West, you are the proof
that I have found the means to the end.
Now, picture, if you will, a world of people
as small as you are now
with me the lord and master.
Frightening.
Not at all. It'll be quite glorious.
Once again, the birds and bees can fly and hum in peace,
the animals can play in the sun
without fearing the great white hunter,
and man can relax.
No more worries about power, wealth or wars.
He will have found his Garden of Eden.
If I remember correctly, there was a snake in that garden.
Very clever, Mr. Gordon.
I knew you'd appreciate it.
The balance of nature will be restored.
I, Dr. Miguelito Loveless, will do this.
I doubt it.
What does that mean?
The best laid plans of mice and men.
Don't be absurd. I am a genius.
You'll never pull it off.
I will so.
History is against you...
your history.
Get to the point, Mr. West.
Three times you've tried,
and three times you've failed.
And you will fail again.
It's not your fault. You're just unlucky.
Be quiet, Mr. Gordon.
Each time I failed before, Mr. West,
it was only because of you.
But now you are no more than a little fly
buzzing round a honey pot.
But if you buzz around me...
Goodbye, Mr. West.
You have a point.
Indeed I have.
What can we do?
Eat our dinner.
Jim.
Tomorrow's the third day.
I just can't sit around and wait for it.
Now, Mr. West,
have you ever been a tenpin?
We've been waiting for you, Mr. West.
I knew a resourceful young man like you
would overcome minor obstacles to get here.
But now, Mr. James west,
the moment of truth has arrived.
Now, don't be afraid, Mr. West.
She's only a plain, little, everyday pussycat.
We've gone as far as we can, the three of us.
There's only room for one in my new world...
my glorious new world.
Oh, that's a good boy, Mr. West. Now, don't move.
Pussycat hasn't had her dinner yet.
Antoinette, look at that pussycat.
Isn't she the cutest thing? Mm-hmm.
I could just cuddle her to pieces.
Sic him, pussycat. Sic him.
Jim!
Oh, come back!
Oh, come back, you...
Oh, you fraidy cat!
And you- You, Mr. Gordon.
You didn't play fair. You cheated.
A weakness. So sue me.
Well done, Mr. West.
Too bad it was all in vain.
Here it is:
your life's blood.
One drop of this and you can be a man again.
One drop that you'll never get.
Get West! Get him!
Get him. K-kill him. You've gotta kill him!
Get West!
Hurry. Hurry.
Hurry!
You all right?
Yeah, but I have felt better.
Loveless.
I was wrong.
He still surprises me.
Yeah.
Well, here goes nothing.
You mean everything.
You're forgetting Chawtaw, huh?
You would remind me. Mm-hmm.
Ho-ho! Just like a jack-in-the-box!
If we hurry, we can still get you to your wedding on time.
You know, we still have half a day left.